Recently I was having dinner with a friend. š· We were catching up, so naturally goes the usual question: āhow is it going?ā
My friend went on answering: āthings are great, I have a good situation, a good job, a nice apartmentā¦ā
This was not exactly what I was looking for. So I prodded further: ābut how is it really going?ā
- āFine, objectively, things are just right, I have no reason to complainā.
Hum. Anyone else spotting a dissonance here?
Being fine is not an objective discussion š§
I didnāt prod further, as I was glad to be here, chatting lightly, catching up, drinking wine (said differently, I didnāt want to be the asshole š). But something was wrong with this answer: how can you objectively be fine ? Is it not a feeling? A subjective-only view?
This was what I wished to know: how do you feel? what makes you happy? what makes you sad? Tell me about your doubts, your excitements, your passions. I was excited to connect beyond appearances, the facade, the titles, salary and possessions. Beyond the āobjectiveā.
Youāll hear things like that from many people these days. Most likely, youāre saying it as well.
Why is that a problem?
A rationalisation, paving the way to depression š¤
When one doesnāt know how to manage an emotion, a typical reaction is rationalisation. What that means is you put the emotion away by finding reasons for it. You rationalise it away.
When I first heard that expression, I was struck. I was definitely guilty of that. Iām still very guilty of that on many occasions, dealing with tricky emotions. I was finding justification for something to feel bad, or was clinging to how things were good, on the surface, to forget that underneath, I could feel desperate.
I would argue that this is one of the main reasons people get anxious, depressed, or addicted. They donāt tend to their subjective life. They donāt tend to their emotions. They donāt accept them as a key component of their life. They reject them, and put a facade instead.
And how do you think a facade lives? Well, it has a facade life. Devoid from deviations, from substance, from juice. It is a model. And a model isnāt living: it is applying.
Not so hard to see how that could make you feel miserable, in the long term, huh?
So what should I do? š±
Accept emotions. Accept that sometimes you feel miserable. Sometimes you feel amazing. Your socially accepted indicators might all be green, but guess what? Itās not what makes you feel good! And itās ok. Feeling good is intrinsic, not extrinsic.
Jim Carrey went along the lines: āEverything changed when I realised I had everything people were dreaming of⦠but I wasnāt happyā.
Happiness might not be the goal, you might say. But slavery to external attributes surely isnāt a goal either. Freedom sounds better.
By enquiring emotions, youāll start noticing patterns. Things you donāt want to have in your life anymore. Habits, stuff, people, occupations.
Then you can fill it back with what you love. You get to have a choice back. You get freedom back. This feels great.
Then when your friends ask you about how itās going, you know what you can answer, truthfully, vulnerably, in a wish to truly connect. And hopefully, the more of this work you do, the greater youāll be ā¤ļø
Welcome to the conscious living road!
True and good, some philosophy āļø
In integral theory, people talk about the Good, the True, and the Beautiful. All three are important aspects of life.
Good is what is deemed good as a collective. It is about values.
True is about what is objective, rightly descriptive.
Beautiful is about what you love, personally, independently.
True, your objective life can be great
But itās sad if itās not Beautiful, nor Good.