"Life is fine, objectively!"

The lie you're telling yourself which causes so much harm

May 25, 2023

Recently I was having dinner with a friend. 🍷 We were catching up, so naturally goes the usual question: “how is it going?”

My friend went on answering: “things are great, I have a good situation, a good job, a nice apartment…”

This was not exactly what I was looking for. So I prodded further: “but how is it really going?”

- “Fine, objectively, things are just right, I have no reason to complain”.

Hum. Anyone else spotting a dissonance here?

Being fine is not an objective discussion 🧐

I didn’t prod further, as I was glad to be here, chatting lightly, catching up, drinking wine (said differently, I didn’t want to be the asshole 😁). But something was wrong with this answer: how can you objectively be fine ? Is it not a feeling? A subjective-only view?

This was what I wished to know: how do you feel? what makes you happy? what makes you sad? Tell me about your doubts, your excitements, your passions. I was excited to connect beyond appearances, the facade, the titles, salary and possessions. Beyond the “objective”.

You’ll hear things like that from many people these days. Most likely, you’re saying it as well.

Why is that a problem?

A rationalisation, paving the way to depression 🤖

When one doesn’t know how to manage an emotion, a typical reaction is rationalisation. What that means is you put the emotion away by finding reasons for it. You rationalise it away.

When I first heard that expression, I was struck. I was definitely guilty of that. I’m still very guilty of that on many occasions, dealing with tricky emotions. I was finding justification for something to feel bad, or was clinging to how things were good, on the surface, to forget that underneath, I could feel desperate.

I would argue that this is one of the main reasons people get anxious, depressed, or addicted. They don’t tend to their subjective life. They don’t tend to their emotions. They don’t accept them as a key component of their life. They reject them, and put a facade instead.

And how do you think a facade lives? Well, it has a facade life. Devoid from deviations, from substance, from juice. It is a model. And a model isn’t living: it is applying.

Not so hard to see how that could make you feel miserable, in the long term, huh?

So what should I do? 🌱

Accept emotions. Accept that sometimes you feel miserable. Sometimes you feel amazing. Your socially accepted indicators might all be green, but guess what? It’s not what makes you feel good! And it’s ok. Feeling good is intrinsic, not extrinsic.

Jim Carrey went along the lines: “Everything changed when I realised I had everything people were dreaming of… but I wasn’t happy”.

Happiness might not be the goal, you might say. But slavery to external attributes surely isn’t a goal either. Freedom sounds better.

By enquiring emotions, you’ll start noticing patterns. Things you don’t want to have in your life anymore. Habits, stuff, people, occupations.

Then you can fill it back with what you love. You get to have a choice back. You get freedom back. This feels great.

Then when your friends ask you about how it’s going, you know what you can answer, truthfully, vulnerably, in a wish to truly connect. And hopefully, the more of this work you do, the greater you’ll be ❤️

Welcome to the conscious living road!